If you spend time with children, you've likely witnessed challenging moments, such as sibling fights, disputes over the TV, or simply the race to press the elevator button, choosing what to wear when going out, sharing toys, and many other everyday occurrences.
The evolution of neuroscience studies, coupled with a respectful approach to education, has shown that instead of being aggressive and punitive towards children in moments of "misbehavior," we can be firm and gentle. We now view critical moments as a great opportunity to teach children how to survive and thrive by integrating different parts of the brain that promote well-being and the development of emotional intelligence.
Scientific research reveals that a person's brain is only mature and fully formed around the age of 25. This means that when we see children throwing tantrums or behaving immaturely, we understand that their brains are not mature enough to comprehend contexts, plan, self-regulate, and make healthy choices in the face of challenges.
The good news is that, as parents and adults interacting with children, we can intentionally help develop their emotional skills, providing physical and mental well-being throughout their lives. Understanding how the brain develops makes it easier to help them grow and develop positively.
One starting point is to observe the needs behind the behavior, understanding the behavior without judgment as an (often immature) way of asking for help with a real discomfort. We shift the focus from "bad" behavior to the message behind it.
Understanding the child's message doesn't mean we should be permissive with "bad" behavior, but rather, through it, we can teach healthier strategies for reacting to difficult moments to promote well-being and happiness in adult life.
But how do we do that?
I present to you 12 strategies discussed in the bestselling book "The Whole-Brain Child" by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson, which I recommend reading:
1. Connect and Redirect: In the face of conflict with a child, the first thing we need to do is connect and validate the feelings they are experiencing. Recognizing that their feelings are legitimate and natural is crucial for any human to feel heard and embraced. This makes them more open to opening up and listening. When they are calmer, we can then redirect to what needs to be done, integrating both the emotional and rational sides of the brain.
2. Name and Tame: In moments of strong emotions like anger, frustration, and fear, we can help the child retell the story that happened, naming their feelings and present discomforts. This gives meaning to the lived experience and the security of knowing what happened in a more organized way, without the "heat" of emotion.
3. Reflect and Connect: After the first two strategies, we can then encourage the child to reflect on how to plan and choose to act in similar situations, instead of being "stuck" in challenging emotions. We replace sermons and ready-made solutions to problems with reflection and building their own solutions.
4. Use or Lose: When we bring hypothetical situations to children, asking how they would feel and act in a given situation, we are using and developing the planning, self-regulation, decision-making part of a still-developing brain. This makes it easier to find healthy solutions in genuinely challenging moments.
5. Move or Lose: Another great emotional regulation strategy is teaching children that they can move, whether it's jumping, running, shaking their bodies, to alleviate discomfort and stress in difficult moments. Research shows that movement helps improve our mood.
6. Mind's Remote Control: Here, we give "power" to the child to control what they want to talk about their experiences, inviting them to imagine they have a remote control where they can relive uncomfortable moments, going back, pausing when they feel they're not ready to talk, or fast-forwarding scenes. This process helps in processing what was experienced, considering the child's limit and maturity to talk about the incident.
7. Remember to Remember: By reinforcing memories of past experiences, especially positive ones, we create meaning and understanding of one's own history. This can be done through questions, diary writing, photos, videos, and drawings.
8. Let the Cloud of Emotions Pass: It is possible to teach children to notice the duration of their emotions. Research shows that an emotion lasts an average of 90 seconds, meaning they are a state and not a permanent characteristic or situation. Developing this skill allows them to realize that no discomfort is forever. We have moments of joy and sadness all the time.
9. Examine: When you see the child in emotional discomfort, stimulate self-reflection, making them aware of their feelings, bodily sensations, and thoughts, so they can perceive the relationship between them. Thus, they will have more knowledge of their own reactions and sensations in various situations they face in their daily lives.
10. Exercise Mental Sight: This strategy focuses on taking children out of the focus of suffering and bringing them to the present moment. We can ask them to observe the objects around them, the sounds, or their own breathing, creating a moment of pause. Then they can visualize a situation in which they feel good and calm. Gradually, they will notice that the pause allows them to shift away from suffering and calm down, using a simple and powerful strategy.
11. Increase the Family Fun Factor: Instead of focusing on sermons and moral lessons when the child behaves improperly, we can also use humor as a way to experience discomfort. Moreover, the more we create fun moments as a family, the more we teach children the importance of developing good relationships with close people.
12. Connect through Family Fun: Avoid avoiding or ignoring conflict and look at it as a great opportunity to improve social and emotional skills, whether expressing your feelings at the moment or making better choices for future experiences. These strategies may seem new and complex at first, but as we apply them, we begin to create respectful and healthy relationships with children.
They will have safety, connection, firmness, and love as the basis and values, which will be essential for their healthy development as human beings.
For more information, feel free to contact me.
I read the book and loved it. This is a great summary . thanks